Dear Eirin and Liam,
I cannot believe you have arrived already! The 37 weeks of pregnancy are now nothing but a blip in my memory. Your official due date is coming up next week, March 2nd. I can honestly say that I never would have made it the full forty weeks. I was comfortable for most of the pregnancy, but that last week was rough. My gait was painfully slow, there was no relief from the heartburn and the swollen feet were becoming ever more painful.
Your Papa and I were mentally prepared for your birth on February 17th. On February 9th, we still had a week left to finish organizing your room, to finish cleaning, to finish getting ready for your imminent arrival. Nevertheless, at my weekly
It was a tough night’s sleep; I could not get comfortable in a strange bed and woke up even more than usual to use the bathroom. I was also dying of thirst but could not have anything to drink in preparation for the cesarean. The next day we drove to the hospital, your grandmother came with us, I felt better knowing she’d be there, even though I knew she wouldn’t be allowed in the O.R. We checked in without much fanfare, pre-registering made everything really easy. Once on the floor, I was hooked up to the fetal monitor, which monitored each of your heart rates and also any contractions. Turns out I was having some contractions but I felt them only minimally. To my surprise, I was not nervous. Your Papa was anxious. He put on his scrubs as soon as they were given to him, he paced a little, I don’t think he knew what to do with himself as we waited and waited…
I was scheduled for an 11am cesarean but there was some sort of hold up because I was not wheeled into the O.R. until 12:30pm. I was given a spinal which worked quickly, completely numbing my lower body. I don’t remember what they put in the iv, but whatever it was made me very very sleepy. I remember everything, although most of it is a bit muddled. There were A LOT of medical people in that room, a team of doctors for me and then a team of doctors/nurses for each of you. After the spinal, the doctors moved quickly, positioning me on my back and stretching my arms out. I don’t think they strapped me down but I can’t be sure. They also wrapped these white boot type contraptions around my legs which inflated and deflated at regular intervals to promote circulation. I remember a tingly/prickly and warm feeling on one of my toes and the strange sensation as I tried to move it, but was unable to do so. The numbness started at my feet and slowly moved up my legs and the rest of my body. The anesthesiologist then showed me a little plastic cocktail sword, he poked my shoulder with it, asked if I felt its sharpness and then explained that he’d be poking my body with it, starting at my feet and move his way up, I was to tell him when I felt the sharpness again. I thought it was a strange object to use.
I did not see or hear your Papa come into the room. I realized he was there when I felt someone holding my hand and recognized him despite his masked face. Everything was happening so quickly, I couldn’t see anything because the huge blue sheet hanging across my chest obstructed my view. I was struggling to stay awake; I worried that if I fell asleep I’d miss everything and wanted to see you so badly. I barely got a glimpse of you Eirin when they held you up over the blue sheet. They carted you away so quickly…I kept thinking they’d bring you over so I could hold you but there was some fluid in your lungs making your breathing a little bit labored…and then just as they hauled you away, we got a quick glimpse of Liam. “Meet your son,” I heard someone say as they brought you over to us to hold you and see your beautiful face. The feeling was overpowering; I could feel my eyes start to tear. And so on February 10th, Eirin, you came into this world at 1:07pm, weighing 6 pounds 2 ounces and were 18 inches long. A mere minute later, Liam, you were born weighing 6 pounds 7 ounces and were 19.5 inches long. We were then able to get a photograph of our new family.
At some point they closed me up, but I didn’t even notice. Eirin, you were taken to the NICU and Liam and I went to a recovery room. It was strange because I was expecting two babies, yet we only had the one with us. Although my mind was foggy from the drugs, I kept thinking, where is Eirin? I really needed to see you and hold you, we were incomplete. I had to settle for periodic updates from the nurses. Your Papa and grandmother went to the NICU to see you the moment they were allowed to do so. I eagerly awaited their return to hear them tell me about you; what you looked like, how you were doing, the waiting was awful.
Due to a complication after delivery, they kept me in recovery overnight. It felt like we were in limbo and I was anxious to be in our room. I was also extremely thirsty. I begged for ice chips and couldn’t wait to drink something…water, juice, ginger ale, it didn’t matter what, I just needed to quench the thirst. I was exhausted, in pain and groggy from the meds, but Liam, every time they brought you in to nurse during the night, I forgot everything and just couldn’t get enough of you, your little self, tiny hands and long skinny fingers, your beautiful round face and deep blue eyes. I couldn’t believe someone so beautiful had come from me.
Eirin, I did not get to really really meet you (hold you) until the next day, when I was finally allowed to leave recovery. They wheeled me in to the NICU and maneuvered the clunky gurney close to the incubator. I asked to hold you and they laid you on my chest for a quick minute. You were tiny, much smaller than your brother. Like your brother, your eyes were a deep blue but your complexion was darker and your features more delicate. My precious little girl our time together was so short but they told us we’d have you with us later that day. What a relief to know that everything was fine. Although we missed your first moments on earth, I was grateful that the doctors were thorough.
We couldn’t have asked for anything more. You’ve brought love and joy to my life, from the moment I saw your sweet faces and heard your cries. God graced our lives with two precious and healthy little angels. We are truly blessed.
I know it is a cliché, but being your Mama is the most important job I will ever have. I promise to cherish our time together, to nurture and guide you, to make sure you know how much you are loved. Motherhood has changed my priorities; I promise to hold steadfast to the understanding that satisfying your needs will sometimes come with sacrifice. Know that your needs will always come first, before my own, before your Papa’s. Thank you for making me a mother.
Love, Mama
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